U R a Great Woman

The shit hit the fan

Mon, 24 Sep 2007 19:40:23 +0200

What an aprehension I have had obviously.
This was one of the worst nights out ever.
Although I was surrounded by four friends (3 of them male) nothing helped me coping with this relapse...
The first thing that was told me was that the owner of my favourite disco and cafe had been mocking about me on Thursday when I didn't appear at the karaoke contest although everyone knows that I love singing and although I am acutally belonging to the establishment
I immediately had the horrible imagination how the owner told the anchorman of karaoke that I don't dare to show up because George fucking dumped me. I had good reasons to think so because the owner has never been nice to me. This is because I know everything about his cheating on my friend...
But... it could get worse.
Just when the dancefloor thinned out I could see George. All the time he was dancing alone but when he spotted me he started to hit on the girl that was obviously there with him and his friends. She was so small but at the same time so incredibly fat that I called her Pony.
I know, I know, he is the wanker but that doesn't mean that I wish her the best and I surely do not think that she deserves the guy I still love.
Call me superficial, but I knew I could outrival her 20 times concerning looks but below the line I am the loser. He made sure I saw his hands grabbing her fat arse and it was really hard to keep my head up and to laugh all the time even if I felt like crying. This was also because they were left undisturbed by his best friend Michael, who always interrupted our dancing or kissing 3 months ago. It felt so damn unfair.
When we left 2 hours later because I couldn't stand the sight anymore he also left and queued up at the check-out. Then he grabbed Pony and pulled her close to me and said Hi.
This was very ostentatively, I can tell. All the time he pretended not to know me but with Fat Arse at his side he greeted. The bloody cheek of him!
I managed to keep cool until Sunday evening but then I couldn't help but bawl.
This is so damn unfair.
I was the stopgap to fuck his exgirlfriend out of his brains and I was asked to give him some more time. And now she gets everything I was meant to have. And even his best friend seems okay with that because probably she never turned him down like I did...
Of course I should better think that I should be happy to be disposed of him. That unfair bloody liar. Who knows what our relationship would be like after 5 months now?
Today I noticed that he changed his profile in his internet community: this is for real, he is not being single anymore.
I wish I would never wake up again.
Things are getting worse and worse. But I will tell you tomorrow.

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Hyperventilating

Fri, 21 Sep 2007 19:06:23 +0200

Another Friday night, another chance to get some belly ache. I already have it
In about one hour some friends come around to have some drinks before we head for the city. Then we'll meet some other friends to have some more beer and then...
I know where it will end.
Concerning discos Anytown is not that well appointed. So I have no choice actually besides going home early. This time I have enough time to think about it.
I will see George that sucker who is ignoring me. I still don't get it.
He wanted time to work up his former relationsship. He got time. He wanted to keep in touch with me and I told him that he should be the one contacting me because I didn't want to be blamed for not respecting that he was backing out. And now he doesn't know me anymore??? Screw you!

I hope I will see loads of nice people again and I have to keep in mind that I shouldn't get so shit-faced again. Tomorrow will be a hard day. Coffee party at my brother's and after that there will be a big party in the large-city-next-to-Anytown. There will be cocktails and people I've never met before. I like the thought. But to dodge the hangover I had last week I should keep to beer an keep my hands off the bloody Prosecco and Vodka.

There are two possibilities for me to cross my limits when drinking: either I'm in an incredible good mood and I don't know when to stop because the party is much too good or all the evil of the world is pressing on my shoulders and I drink to forget which is really really bad.

So keep your fingers crossed for me that this will be none of it tonite

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Stalkers and other drawbacks

Fri, 21 Sep 2007 13:21:41 +0200

While I was vegetating on my sofa last Saturday and trying not to visit my toilet bowl that often I received a text message. It was from a former friend whom I had not seen for ages. 6 years probably.
He asked if we could meet and I was very happy. That meeting was due on Tuesday. I told him before that I wouldn't regard this as a date because I'm not dating at the moment and I'm surely not looking for a new boyfriend.

Sounds like much ado about nothing? Well, he was the one who told me that he was being single for 2 years and that it is so hard to find a decent woman. To me it sounded pretty much as if he had been laying in his bed and wondering who he hadn't seen for a long time and then he had fallen for a pretty imagination.
I mean, 6 years ago I was dressed in flares and I had short black hair and wore those ugly platform shoes

Up to our meeting he sent me loads of strange text messages which made me think he must be very desperate which was intelligible - to be honest and mean - when I saw him last Tuesday. He used to be very brawny and his workout behaviour was almost slavish but right now it seems as if he's not interested in his body anymore. He said something about 1.3 stone plus but it looked like 3 stone plus at least.

Nevertheless I had a nice evening but it had nothing to do with a date. It was just catching up about each other's lives. I told him about my last mistakes and the fact I have the wrong touch with males, but he didn't seem impressed he just looked at me as if I was one of the wonders of the world. I insisted on repeating that I don't want anyone to break my heart in the near future.

When I was back home he sent messages saying that he wants to see me again as soon as possible and that this was a wonderful DATE.
COME AGAIN???
This was no date at all. When I pointed that out he replied "So what the hell do you think it was? Reunion with an old friend?"
Well, exactly, you got it.
I immediately called my best friend and we slacked him off a bit - until I suddenly was petrified with horror. I remembered that he is working for my mobile phone service provider and that he's a technician and maybe able to tap my calls. I felt very sick because I remembered every detail of our prattle.
No, I'm not necessarily a nice person...

Paranoia added... fine! But he had also informed himself about my contract details, so this must not be paranoia but the truth.
The day before yesterday he suddenly stopped text messaging because he was mortally offended. I told him that I was reading a book about intelligence and he asked if the book states that intelligence is only existing within males and I replied "How sweet your misbelief is!"
Well, that's that... Rumours have it, he is a woman actually the way he's bickering...

Just in case he listened to the telephone call yesterday: Yes, Tom, it is true that the non-date with you showed me clearly with whom my treacherous heart is obsessed.... but that is another story and shall be told another day....

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A night out...

Fri, 21 Sep 2007 10:20:37 +0200

Well, lots of things have happened
Sorry for being so lazy.
Last Friday was my crucial day. Actually the plan was to do some bar-hopping together with my best friend and his new girlfried. He also animated 15 other guys so it was a funny bunch trying to get boozed.
On the way to the second pub (I already had about 10 beer and I absolutely hate beer) I bumped into an ex-boyfriend. We had an annoying relationship at the beginning of the year and ever since I heard that he even managed to cheat on me in this short time I was terribly pissed at the sight of him. Anyway I greeted him and he commented "Oh, with a smile!" - which was not intended just in case there was really a smile.

We went to the other pub and had some "Sahnebällchen" - which is a liqueur like Bailey's topped with whipped cream. After my second schnapps the guys decided to go to the very same disco I tried to avoid for months now because of my ex George (That's not exactly his name but I'm trying to adjust him to Anytown).

I realised I had no choice really - which was good, so I didn't have the time to think about it. I knocked back 2 more "Sahnebällchen" and then we went for the disco.
I cannot describe how f**** nervous I was and I needed someone to hold my hand desperately. I was finally entering the disco that used to be my second home until 3 months ago. It felt so strange.

The first guy I saw was George, of course. I stared at him and opened my mouth to say hello but he just sent me scornful look, turned around and went somewhere else.
I had no time to burst into tears because so many people approached me to tell me how much they missed be and that was really amazing. More amazing was the amount of drinks they bought me.

Then I lost some of my friends when they headed for the dancefloor. I didn't want to follow because I knew that George was there, too. I spotted one of the guys that had been in the pub before and he grabbed my hand and promised to take care of me. Then all of a sudden he confessed that he wanted to get to know me ever since he saw me in 2005 on our fun fair. Anyway, I was very saturated then...

I met some other friends and even one of my best friends. I had avoided him, too, because I knew that he was happy with his new girlfriend and I had the terrible feeling he would have been disappointed of me because I would have told him the same things about my miserable life again... we had already had similar discussions last year... But to my astonishment he told me that he was being single again and that he missed me very much, so I decided to shout a drink...
But before that we hit the dancefloor and he pulled me in the very middle so I was dancing next to George and I felt awkward. To top that my friend Ron went to the DJ before and requested a special song. It is a German text but the translation means "You're outrageous, the way you move in your dress..." I shouldn't have worried. George turned his back on me the minute I stepped on the dancefloor. What a bloody bugger he is! I didn't do anything to deserve this reaction! But anyway - now I know that he is not worth crying my eyes out!

So, back to the bar with Ron (BTW that is really his name!). Unfortunately I was so drunk that I didn't realise I was dropping 20 Euros. And how unfortunate can I be? - The guy who found my money was the boyfriend I had seen earlier... He was very fair-minded and handed me back my banknote. This led to an one-hour-conversation about how much he regretted to have cheated an me and that he was an absolute arsehole back then... I wasn't very touched, after all I managed to find an even bigger arsehole.

When the disco closed he of all the people had to drag me out and get me a taxi which he had to pay because I had wasted all my money on drink... I think I wouldn't have survived this evening without it... but as a consequence I had the worst hangover of my life after that. It lasted until Sunday evening.... Now, have a laugh at me - I derserve it

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Just before you go to bed...

Tue, 11 Sep 2007 20:08:22 +0200

I don't want to leave you with the sad feeling that there is a girl living in Anytown who's crying bitter tears tonight. Don't worry... I'm about to watch Dr. House.
Love this guy - not for optical reasons.
But here's some candy for your eye:

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Something like an introduction

Tue, 11 Sep 2007 19:43:06 +0200

"You are a great woman!"

This is what I get to hear ever so often.
The issue with that great woman is that she doesn't really know whether to believe this shit or not.
On a good day she knows she is irresistible. She's got a well paid job, she has her own flat with new and stylish furniture (especially the blazing red sofa), she has a car, she has loads of friends, loving parents, this year she even managed to go on holiday twice...

But as this great woman is me, there must be a hitch.
The hitch is that the bad days outweighed the good ones recently. And recently covers a span of almost 3 years.

For some unfathomable reason I get dumped perpetually. And that really makes me wonder how great I can be? I mean, when I look in the mirror, I think I am great indeed. But as the guys always do a runner on me I seriously begin to wonder what the hell is wrong with me.

But before I go into detail: Please let me apologise for my English first. I am not English. I'm German but I could also be Dutch or Usbek because I know that I am no exception. This story could happen anywhere in the world and I am probably not the only one who suffers from his/her own roundabout of thoughts. This is why I want you to think I live in Anytown, Germany. And no, I don't wear a dirndl and Bavaria doesn't really belong to Germany

I really hate to tell people my age because I feel much younger and I'm always very coaxed when someone assumes that I am 5 years younger. The unlovely truth is I'm 28 but in case someone takes me for 23 I tend to laugh artificially and say "Almost, I'm 24 actually."

Having a problem with my age is one of the factors that made me decide to frequent a therapist yesterday. This was when I yelled at my best friend that I don't want Mr. Right to appear when I'm wrinkled and dowdy and he couldn't help but laugh when I argued that I will look like shit in the pictures taken from us in the very far future. Stupidly enough I believe what I'm saying in moments like this. I don't think I can get out of this quagmire all by myself. I need help. Because right now I don't think I can ever be happy again.

There is a saying: "If you stumble you can tumble - but you have to get up again."
If you tumble that often, each bunt is more painful. So some weeks ago I decided to arrange a nice, comfortable little place on the floor. If you are already down nothing can knock you over anymore.

That is the main reason why I need someone to help me. It feels awkward to admit that you need a psychiatrist. But on the other hand: when you break a leg you go and see the doctor. So why shouldn't I go when my heart aches?

Today I argued that there are people with much worse problems and that I feel ashamed for mine - and guess what a very wise woman told me?

She said: Just because there are people who have no legs at all you wouldn't want to avoid the doctor in case you break your leg.

So I hope that my best friend comes up with the addresses of local therapists quite quickly. Meanwhile I'm on tranquilisers. Don't worry, it's nothing that would knock down a horse. It's just St. John's wort and valerian. I have to stop crying so much and I can't feel overstrained with mundane things like the buying of loo paper anymore

Exactly 12 weeks ago on a lovely Tuesday (June 19 acually) I got up and went to work. I was singing in my car because I wanted to embrace the whole world. My life was absolutely fine and I had the most lovable boyfriend. Finally. I felt arrived safely.

But at 10 a.m. I got this email sent to my office email account and the roof was brought down on my head. And ever since then I don't want the fricking roof to be reconstructed. It might crash down again.

And there can't be anyone given the chance to break my heart as long as I still love this bloody coward who didn't even manage to face me and tell me that he doesn't want to be with me anymore.

So, dear reader, I know that I'm not alone, that you are out there... please comment on whatever you like. Even if it is a grammar error. There will certainly be umpteens. But most of all I like you to just be with me. I don't want to bother my friends with the same shit over and over again. They prefer me being Little Miss Sunshine, I guess. I am most of the time. Even now. I can still laugh. I can still go out and party. So I'm not depressive. Just emotionally exhausted, disappointed and exploited... maybe I can think of some other words to express the state I'm in o/n. I try to improve my English all the time so this will be a good exercise.

Stick to this!

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