"You are a great woman!"

This is what I get to hear ever so often.
The issue with that great woman is that she doesn't really know whether to believe this shit or not.
On a good day she knows she is irresistible. She's got a well paid job, she has her own flat with new and stylish furniture (especially the blazing red sofa), she has a car, she has loads of friends, loving parents, this year she even managed to go on holiday twice...

But as this great woman is me, there must be a hitch.
The hitch is that the bad days outweighed the good ones recently. And recently covers a span of almost 3 years.

For some unfathomable reason I get dumped perpetually. And that really makes me wonder how great I can be? I mean, when I look in the mirror, I think I am great indeed. But as the guys always do a runner on me I seriously begin to wonder what the hell is wrong with me.

But before I go into detail: Please let me apologise for my English first. I am not English. I'm German but I could also be Dutch or Usbek because I know that I am no exception. This story could happen anywhere in the world and I am probably not the only one who suffers from his/her own roundabout of thoughts. This is why I want you to think I live in Anytown, Germany. And no, I don't wear a dirndl and Bavaria doesn't really belong to Germany

I really hate to tell people my age because I feel much younger and I'm always very coaxed when someone assumes that I am 5 years younger. The unlovely truth is I'm 28 but in case someone takes me for 23 I tend to laugh artificially and say "Almost, I'm 24 actually."

Having a problem with my age is one of the factors that made me decide to frequent a therapist yesterday. This was when I yelled at my best friend that I don't want Mr. Right to appear when I'm wrinkled and dowdy and he couldn't help but laugh when I argued that I will look like shit in the pictures taken from us in the very far future. Stupidly enough I believe what I'm saying in moments like this. I don't think I can get out of this quagmire all by myself. I need help. Because right now I don't think I can ever be happy again.

There is a saying: "If you stumble you can tumble - but you have to get up again."
If you tumble that often, each bunt is more painful. So some weeks ago I decided to arrange a nice, comfortable little place on the floor. If you are already down nothing can knock you over anymore.

That is the main reason why I need someone to help me. It feels awkward to admit that you need a psychiatrist. But on the other hand: when you break a leg you go and see the doctor. So why shouldn't I go when my heart aches?

Today I argued that there are people with much worse problems and that I feel ashamed for mine - and guess what a very wise woman told me?

She said: Just because there are people who have no legs at all you wouldn't want to avoid the doctor in case you break your leg.

So I hope that my best friend comes up with the addresses of local therapists quite quickly. Meanwhile I'm on tranquilisers. Don't worry, it's nothing that would knock down a horse. It's just St. John's wort and valerian. I have to stop crying so much and I can't feel overstrained with mundane things like the buying of loo paper anymore

Exactly 12 weeks ago on a lovely Tuesday (June 19 acually) I got up and went to work. I was singing in my car because I wanted to embrace the whole world. My life was absolutely fine and I had the most lovable boyfriend. Finally. I felt arrived safely.

But at 10 a.m. I got this email sent to my office email account and the roof was brought down on my head. And ever since then I don't want the fricking roof to be reconstructed. It might crash down again.

And there can't be anyone given the chance to break my heart as long as I still love this bloody coward who didn't even manage to face me and tell me that he doesn't want to be with me anymore.

So, dear reader, I know that I'm not alone, that you are out there... please comment on whatever you like. Even if it is a grammar error. There will certainly be umpteens. But most of all I like you to just be with me. I don't want to bother my friends with the same shit over and over again. They prefer me being Little Miss Sunshine, I guess. I am most of the time. Even now. I can still laugh. I can still go out and party. So I'm not depressive. Just emotionally exhausted, disappointed and exploited... maybe I can think of some other words to express the state I'm in o/n. I try to improve my English all the time so this will be a good exercise.

Stick to this!